Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Wandering in the Darkness

Many times in my life, I have felt lost. After my parents died in 1994, only two months and a few days apart, I felt adrift and alone despite having a "supportive"husband and two small children. I was 24 when they died. I was an only child. I was strong beyond my years ...then.  I carried the burden of so many horrible things on my shoulders almost effortlessly...then. I had to do at 24 what I see people of fifty and sixty wailing about. Watch my parents die in front of me...go to the funeral home and buy caskets and plan funerals...bury them... watch as they were separated from me and mine forever when the dirt covered up those caskets. Cry as it rained the first night my Mother stayed beneath the Earth wondering if she was going to get wet...fearing for her even tho nothing in this mortal world could touch her and even if it did, it would only upset dead flesh. Not the Mother I knew...not the woman who loved me and cared for me. Not the one who always had my back. Not the one who made the best birthday meals for me because she genuinely loved me. Not the one whose hugs could erase a thousand mean words. Not the one that actually cared what I thought and how I felt and asked me about it often. But still it hurt me to know that the rain was falling on the Earth she now resided under.

I feel lost now...once again. I am adrift with no real plan or purpose in this world. Sometimes I wonder if I belong here at all. And then I tell myself how lucky I am to have two wonderful children and two wonderful granddaughters. I tell myself that it would be awful to leave this world without meeting the "peanut" my daughter is carrying...the number 3 grandchild. I tell myself that Kourtnei Kay needs me to be her Grammy or "Mimi" as she calls me, because Chance's Mother didn't have the opportunity to live to see her born and be her Grammy. 

But still...some nights... when I hear the hateful words of those who pretended to love me echo in my ears... sometimes I just feel the urge to let go... and to fly up to my Mother and have her hug me again. Yeah...I know it wouldn't happen that way. Hell would be my destination. A front row seat to fire and brimstone. But it doesn't hurt to dream of seeing her once again...of feeling her loving arms wrapped around me... of hearing her say my name and say to me that she loves me. I dream of sitting at the table and watching her drink coffee out of the cup I saved from all those years ago. I dream of talking to her as if no time has passed and that she still is my best friend and still knows my heart as she always did. I dream of showing her all the pictures on my iPad and telling her about all the things that I know she would love that have happened since she left me.
And maybe most of all... I want to tell her about my sorrows, and how he hurt me and have her wrap her arms around me and tell me it's okay and that I never really needed him and that everything will be alright.

I remember the day that she begged him to take care of me and he swore that he would. But he was a liar... and a thief and a bastard. And I have nothing to show for 25 years but scars on my heart and two daughters that I believe hung the moon. 

So I'm alone in the forest at midnight... and danger is everywhere. Will I find my way out? I guess only time will tell. 

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